What’s ILL About Illigitimate

Disclaimer: (1) This is only my side of the story. I very purposely use I, my daughter, her dad for anonymity  (2) this is not a reflection of my daughter’s feelings (3) The information contained within this story is for the purpose of you finding room in your heart and building a bridge in your family that may provide comfort. (4) Of course, I left some things out because we are talking over 30 years. (5) I’m not calling you a home wrecker or a deadbeat dad (6) You are in control of how people treat you (7) If you feel that you need to use this information to validate how you feel about me, not necessary, I’m done.  (8) You always have the option to click the X in the upper right corner of your screen. (9) There is and will always be a good way to open your heart to another family member, the hard part is doing it without hurting anyone. The person who can find out how to do that should play the lottery because they have the same chances of winning.

Ill means unfavorably or with disapproval·AND illegitimate means:

1.contrary· to or forbidden by law· 2.bastard : the illegitimate· offspring of unmarried parents .3.of marriages and offspring; not recognized as lawful·.

The only thing in my opinion that has been proven to be true about the aforementioned definitions is that the ILL person is the one that refuses to recognize and accept the truth.

We can all pretend as we are reading this that we are not affected in some way by this subject but truth be told…You know.

As you read this, and I hope that you will read it in its entirety, please ask your self: Are you going to build a bridge and get over it? Or will you be the bridge that can help someone get to the other side? Or are you the one that burns bridges?

This is a diamond in the rough, so many facets. I think if we could decide on total disclosure we would all fit in here somewhere.  There is always a half-sister or brother that nobody will acknowledge until their own parent can’t object to it, the other woman, the scorn wife, the unfaithful husband or wife, the sibling, the man taking care of another man’s child, the man who turned a blind eye to their child, the woman who won’t recognize the other child, the party-goer turned church member that pretends they have  always been holy, the wife never telling the child who her father is, the aunt who recognizes and opens her door, the aunt who keeps the drama flowing, and the person who will never find out until it’s too late to make a change AND MOST OF ALL THE CHILD THAT DIDN’T ASK TO BE HERE! God doesn’t make mistakes.

 

I’ll begin by saying that when I was 21 I had my oldest child.  Her father was 32 and married.  I’m not going to try to make myself the victim here because the indiscretions of my youth and the body that I had back then were a force to be reckoned with.  The body, youth, and brainpower don’t always work simultaneously if it did none of us would probably be here.

I will admit that I partied, partied and partied.  I did have a boyfriend of 3 years but after we broke up the party started…rebounding.  When I became pregnant of course, the first thing that the guy (we’ll call him “Jack”) said was “it’s not mine, I had a vasectomy” so like a fool, I thought well I was messing with this other guy named Toni. I talked to Toni about it and unlike Jack, we dealt with the situation at hand. But we (Toni & I) found out that Jack’s wife was also pregnant, so we did some investigation and I tried to confront Jack.

During this time my car burned up, I had unpaid parking tickets all over Rosslyn, VA for which my license was suspended and made my insurance policy invalid.  Here I am pregnant, with a good government job but no car and then my mother passed very unexpectedly.  So I get a call during this time from Jack and he says “I’m sorry to hear about your mom, but how are you going to have this baby, I’m married, are you going to have an abortion?” By this time he wasn’t telling me any new information, I just wanted to know why he took that opportunity to ask AT THAT PARTICULAR TIME?   Pitiful!

I worked at the Pentagon at the time.  I told my supervisor who was a high ranking officer in the Air Force who was above the commander of Andrews AFB where Jack worked who called his commander and explained the situation and ask for him to be held accountable for his responsibilities.

The very next time that I saw him, my daughter and I we were at the courthouse to establish child support and determine paternity.  As we waited in the area outside of the courtroom he pulls me aside and says he is going downstairs to the State’s Attorney and “admit paternity” so that he does not have to go before a judge.  I asked “why?”  and (now we’ll call him JackAss) he said “she looks like the rest of his kids.  After that, I received child support for the next 16 years and I haven’t seen or heard from him in more than 20 years.

She wanted to know more about the siblings and family that she didn’t know but I had no information to offer.  I only knew that he was a Jr. and his dad lived in Richmond, VA.  We searched and searched and was able to find her grandfather who was very happy to hear from her.  He invited her to Richmond.  Her dad and I took her to meet him.  He (the grandfather) gives her introductions to some of her aunts that are actually his stepchildren.  He goes on to give her a picture of her deceased grandmother who had passed nearly two years prior.  Anyway, she was able to connect with an Aunt who would become a very important part of her life.

Now as fate would have it, this aunt was reeeeallly surprised to hear of my daughter’s existence since she was under the impression since the cause of  Jack’s divorce was not well known.  This information migrated to Jack’s other children who all had different feelings about the entire situation.  They too were under the impression that their parent’s divorced for other reasons, not the fault of their dad. My daughter had on and off relationships with the different siblings but none that would last.  So that was that life moved on and things became what would seem like normal again.

I know of one other time that my daughter tried to contact Jack and he told her that he had moved to New Jersey, remarried, he was in the church and he didn’t want her to be messing up his life.  Of course, he never told his second wife about my daughter either, even after they had a child together. Jack said some pretty terrible things to my daughter that a child should never have to hear from a parent and that is probably giving his behavior too much credit.

Now we all know that God does not make mistakes. Every time I would leave home to go out my mother would say “be careful and if you can’t be careful, name it after me” so I named her after my mother in her memory.

The dad that raised by her has been to every elementary school band concert, awards ceremony, soccer game, send off to college, children’s birth and all kinds of family situations that could bring joy or sorrow.  The point is that he has been there for as long as she has had emotions. At times, they were closer than she and I.  Her dad that raised her and has become sick with End Stage Renal Disease and now needs a kidney transplant.

The biggest loser here is Jack.  He missed out on all they loyalty that my daughter shows her dad.  He will never have the impact on my daughter that her dad has.  He will never experience the first time or any time that she showed her early signs of unique intelligence that she so obviously gets from me.  He will never hear the words that my husband hears “you should be so proud of your daughter” “she looks just like you”  AND MOST OF ALL those grandkids that we have–Wow!  That’s the good stuff, grandkids are called GRAND because they spark new life and give new energy to parents after their children grow up and the parents get to use their learning experiences to appreciate the GRANDS.

My daughter recently called her grandfather to check on him and he told her that Jack had been asking about her.  He took a picture of her and asked a lot of questions. He said that he only denied her because it didn’t look good to accept her knowing that he was married. That could very well be true for him BUT DID HE CHANGE HIS MIND BECAUSE HE NEEDS A KIDNEY AND HIS OTHER KIDS ARE NOT A MATCH!

IF my daughter was a match to both of them, who should get the kidney.  It’s a no-brainer for me but what do you think?

Billy’s Dead & Worth More Dead Than Alive

Disclaimer Billy is NOT a real person and he is not in my family

Why do dead people get better treatment than the living, now matter how terrible they might have been.  Don’t get me wrong, we all fall short of the glory of the Lord.  But let’s keep it real.

Let’s take Billy for instance. Billy was a deadbeat dad and womanizer who was never faithful to his wife. But when Billy died his girlfriend of 20 years did not get to attend the funeral because the wife was in charge. The kids he had with the girlfriend were not acknowledged by the wife so they too were omitted from the program

Billys sister wouldn’t buy him a 2-liter Pepsi or a pair of jeans but when he died she went shopping and got him a brand new suit but Billy will never see that  suit.

The daughter that wouldn’t give Bill a ride in her car now has “In memory of Billy” in big bold letters on the back window.

Everyone is walking around with “RIP Billy” tee shirts like the were giving them away half off at the dollar store.  Billy needed rest and peace when he was living.

That neice of his who wouldn’t even speak to Billy has the nerve to read the family acknowledgements  He’s being eulogized by a preacher that he has never met in a church he didn’t attend.

Billy’s obituary read that he was educated in the local school district but everybody knew that his education didn’t go beyond 5th grade. It also read that he was a loving father and devoted husband. But Billy was devoted to that girlfriend and Gin.

Billy begged the kids to put their feelings aside and come spend time with him but no visit when he was sick. Since he’s been dead his son sits at the grave sight for hours at a time. When Billy was living his son passed by his broken down home everyday on the way to see the mother of his children and kids that Billy would never meet.  Somehow through the Grace of God they would sit on the front row at the funeral dressed like it was Sunrise Service on Easter.

They even spread ashes over him and you know that would have pissed him off because he didn’t want the ashes, he wanted the cigarettes.

All of the family that had to be dragged away from the coffin seemed to get themselves together enough to be at the repast early to serve that food in tiny servings as if everyone ate like a child.  Then we have the greedy grave grievers who come to the repast just to eat and socialize bearly knowing the deceased.

At this time I would ordinarily say “poor Billy” but the truth of the matter is that Billy lived like a poor man, died like a king and in death he left someone well off

But I would bet that if Billy knew he could have all that good stuff he would have tried his best to be here to enjoy it.

It stands to reason that although Billy had his faults and may not have even mattered much to many Billy made an impression in this world and for that alone he deserved respect. One could ask Billy how he liked all the attention but now they will never know because dead men don’t talk

Respect individuals for what they have brought into this world and know that everyone has a predetermined destiny to fulfill. That quick impression that Billy made when he crossed your path might seem important for years to come but when it does you’ll validate the reflection and say “that guy named Billy said that would happen”

RIP Billy

 

From VJ To You

Hello,

I am VJ.  I will be blogging about some subjects and conversations that will prompt you to have those difficult but necessary conversations with your family and friends.  These conversations are necessary to build and open up the dialogue that will hopefully lead you into a sense of emotional satisfaction.  When we can be honest with ourselves about who we are, where we come from, and our journey, we can be honest with the rest those people that can benefit from that experience.

I will be sharing my experiences in hopes that some experience that I have had as a young adult, mother, wife, daughter, sister, friend, and a survivor of Lupus, Diabetes, Bipolar Disorder, Tourette Syndrome and a person with learning disabilities.  My hobby is photography, so the pictures that you will see are often taken by me.

Learning about who we are can sometimes be stressing and at the age of 52, I personally have come to the realization that I am in control of my destiny only with complete disclosure.  The impact that I have on those persons that I communicate with and lives that I have a direct impression on, depends on my beliefs, prejudices, emotional status, and so much more.

I hope that what I share with you will be a learning experience for us all.  We must not judge each other because our minds have an abrupt line to our mouth.  Remember that emotions are built in the shape of a triangle; my side, your side, and the truth.  Anyone of the aforementioned parts of the triangle can end up on top depending on how you look at it.