What’s ILL About Illigitimate

Disclaimer: (1) This is only my side of the story. I very purposely use I, my daughter, her dad for anonymity  (2) this is not a reflection of my daughter’s feelings (3) The information contained within this story is for the purpose of you finding room in your heart and building a bridge in your family that may provide comfort. (4) Of course, I left some things out because we are talking over 30 years. (5) I’m not calling you a home wrecker or a deadbeat dad (6) You are in control of how people treat you (7) If you feel that you need to use this information to validate how you feel about me, not necessary, I’m done.  (8) You always have the option to click the X in the upper right corner of your screen. (9) There is and will always be a good way to open your heart to another family member, the hard part is doing it without hurting anyone. The person who can find out how to do that should play the lottery because they have the same chances of winning.

Ill means unfavorably or with disapproval·AND illegitimate means:

1.contrary· to or forbidden by law· 2.bastard : the illegitimate· offspring of unmarried parents .3.of marriages and offspring; not recognized as lawful·.

The only thing in my opinion that has been proven to be true about the aforementioned definitions is that the ILL person is the one that refuses to recognize and accept the truth.

We can all pretend as we are reading this that we are not affected in some way by this subject but truth be told…You know.

As you read this, and I hope that you will read it in its entirety, please ask your self: Are you going to build a bridge and get over it? Or will you be the bridge that can help someone get to the other side? Or are you the one that burns bridges?

This is a diamond in the rough, so many facets. I think if we could decide on total disclosure we would all fit in here somewhere.  There is always a half-sister or brother that nobody will acknowledge until their own parent can’t object to it, the other woman, the scorn wife, the unfaithful husband or wife, the sibling, the man taking care of another man’s child, the man who turned a blind eye to their child, the woman who won’t recognize the other child, the party-goer turned church member that pretends they have  always been holy, the wife never telling the child who her father is, the aunt who recognizes and opens her door, the aunt who keeps the drama flowing, and the person who will never find out until it’s too late to make a change AND MOST OF ALL THE CHILD THAT DIDN’T ASK TO BE HERE! God doesn’t make mistakes.


I’ll begin by saying that when I was 21 I had my oldest child.  Her father was 32 and married.  I’m not going to try to make myself the victim here because the indiscretions of my youth and the body that I had back then were a force to be reckoned with.  The body, youth, and brainpower don’t always work simultaneously if it did none of us would probably be here.

I will admit that I partied, partied and partied.  I did have a boyfriend of 3 years but after we broke up the party started…rebounding.  When I became pregnant of course, the first thing that the guy (we’ll call him “Jack”) said was “it’s not mine, I had a vasectomy” so like a fool, I thought well I was messing with this other guy named Toni. I talked to Toni about it and unlike Jack, we dealt with the situation at hand. But we (Toni & I) found out that Jack’s wife was also pregnant, so we did some investigation and I tried to confront Jack.

During this time my car burned up, I had unpaid parking tickets all over Rosslyn, VA for which my license was suspended and made my insurance policy invalid.  Here I am pregnant, with a good government job but no car and then my mother passed very unexpectedly.  So I get a call during this time from Jack and he says “I’m sorry to hear about your mom, but how are you going to have this baby, I’m married, are you going to have an abortion?” By this time he wasn’t telling me any new information, I just wanted to know why he took that opportunity to ask AT THAT PARTICULAR TIME?   Pitiful!

I worked at the Pentagon at the time.  I told my supervisor who was a high ranking officer in the Air Force who was above the commander of Andrews AFB where Jack worked who called his commander and explained the situation and ask for him to be held accountable for his responsibilities.

The very next time that I saw him, my daughter and I we were at the courthouse to establish child support and determine paternity.  As we waited in the area outside of the courtroom he pulls me aside and says he is going downstairs to the State’s Attorney and “admit paternity” so that he does not have to go before a judge.  I asked “why?”  and (now we’ll call him JackAss) he said “she looks like the rest of his kids.  After that, I received child support for the next 16 years and I haven’t seen or heard from him in more than 20 years.

She wanted to know more about the siblings and family that she didn’t know but I had no information to offer.  I only knew that he was a Jr. and his dad lived in Richmond, VA.  We searched and searched and was able to find her grandfather who was very happy to hear from her.  He invited her to Richmond.  Her dad and I took her to meet him.  He (the grandfather) gives her introductions to some of her aunts that are actually his stepchildren.  He goes on to give her a picture of her deceased grandmother who had passed nearly two years prior.  Anyway, she was able to connect with an Aunt who would become a very important part of her life.

Now as fate would have it, this aunt was reeeeallly surprised to hear of my daughter’s existence since she was under the impression since the cause of  Jack’s divorce was not well known.  This information migrated to Jack’s other children who all had different feelings about the entire situation.  They too were under the impression that their parent’s divorced for other reasons, not the fault of their dad. My daughter had on and off relationships with the different siblings but none that would last.  So that was that life moved on and things became what would seem like normal again.

I know of one other time that my daughter tried to contact Jack and he told her that he had moved to New Jersey, remarried, he was in the church and he didn’t want her to be messing up his life.  Of course, he never told his second wife about my daughter either, even after they had a child together. Jack said some pretty terrible things to my daughter that a child should never have to hear from a parent and that is probably giving his behavior too much credit.

Now we all know that God does not make mistakes. Every time I would leave home to go out my mother would say “be careful and if you can’t be careful, name it after me” so I named her after my mother in her memory.

The dad that raised by her has been to every elementary school band concert, awards ceremony, soccer game, send off to college, children’s birth and all kinds of family situations that could bring joy or sorrow.  The point is that he has been there for as long as she has had emotions. At times, they were closer than she and I.  Her dad that raised her and has become sick with End Stage Renal Disease and now needs a kidney transplant.

The biggest loser here is Jack.  He missed out on all they loyalty that my daughter shows her dad.  He will never have the impact on my daughter that her dad has.  He will never experience the first time or any time that she showed her early signs of unique intelligence that she so obviously gets from me.  He will never hear the words that my husband hears “you should be so proud of your daughter” “she looks just like you”  AND MOST OF ALL those grandkids that we have–Wow!  That’s the good stuff, grandkids are called GRAND because they spark new life and give new energy to parents after their children grow up and the parents get to use their learning experiences to appreciate the GRANDS.

My daughter recently called her grandfather to check on him and he told her that Jack had been asking about her.  He took a picture of her and asked a lot of questions. He said that he only denied her because it didn’t look good to accept her knowing that he was married. That could very well be true for him BUT DID HE CHANGE HIS MIND BECAUSE HE NEEDS A KIDNEY AND HIS OTHER KIDS ARE NOT A MATCH!

IF my daughter was a match to both of them, who should get the kidney.  It’s a no-brainer for me but what do you think?

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